This month, Amy answers a reader question. 

Dear Amy, 

My five-year relationship ended and the breakup was really devastating. I promised myself I’d stay single for a while so I could heal and work on myself. But two months after my breakup, I met someone at a concert. We hit it off and have been seeing each other every weekend for the last month.

He’s already talking about future plans and commitment, but I’m still nursing my heartbreak. I also know in the past I’ve had a tendency to jump into things and not read the red flags, so I’m scared of making the same mistake. How many months do I have to wait? Not sure how to navigate this and not ruin it all.

–Lost in the City 

Dear Lost in the City,

It's wise to take some time for yourself after a significant breakup to process your grief and avoid distracting yourself from the healing journey. However, sometimes life happens outside of our plans and timelines, and all you can do is assess the situation and adapt.

It seems like you’ve hit it off with someone, which is great. It also seems like he’s excited about you and wants things to move faster than you are comfortable with. But the reality is, you’ve only been seeing each other for a month, and that's not enough time for either of you to truly know each other.

Remember: you’re not just reacting to someone else’s timeline. If they want to escalate things and you’re not ready, you shouldn’t abandon your needs and cave to theirs. Given that you’re fresh off a breakup and have only known this new guy for a month, it’s completely reasonable for you to want to take your time before jumping into a committed relationship.

Getting to truly know someone requires shared experiences and building trust—two things that cannot be rushed. 

There’s a stage in dating that I call the Evaluation Stage. This occurs somewhere between dates two and 20, when you see if you are both a compatible match. Oftentimes, when people are ruled by chemistry or are very eager for a relationship, they tend to skip this stage completely. They are so relieved someone is choosing them that they forget that they are also actively choosing, so they jump into a relationship and only realize—once they’re really invested—that beyond chemistry, the person is not a viable match. 

Only through time and experience with someone do you see their character, values, and how well you two operate as a team. Some questions to consider while in the Evaluation Stage:

• Have you been through a conflict together? How were their conflict-resolution skills?
• Have you had conversations about topics like money, sex, family, and life vision?
• Have you seen how they are with their friends and family?
• What are their values? Are they compatible with yours?
• How do they treat service staff?
• Are they showing you that they are invested in building a relationship with you?
• If you were to relive your most difficult hardship, how do you think they would show up for you?

You should know the answers to these questions before you jump in.

In your situation, I don’t think you need to make any drastic decisions—you just need to slow things down a bit. Your next step is to have an honest conversation with him and let him know the pace that you are comfortable with. I know it’s scary to express what you want and need, but it’s also a great way of filtering out the wrong people. If he ends things because you’re asking to slow things down, this reveals a lack of empathy and regard for your boundaries. And it will reveal that this person was never the right fit for you in the first place.

Lastly, there’s no such thing as being 100 per cent healed. The reality is, we are all flawed, imperfect works in progress. While there are things we need to heal on our own, there are also things we can heal in relation to others. Being healed isn’t an island you land on and stay on forever. It’s possible for a part of you to still feel sad about the loss of your last relationship while another part feels excited about your future.