Stop and think for a quick second about the endless list of sex-positive songs the world has gifted us for getting busy in the bedroom, kitchen, laundry closet, bathroom, private dungeon, public bathhouse, vintage Austin Mini, or Room 113 at the 2400 Motel on Kingsway. 

And then ask yourself why, according to results of a new poll conducted by online erectile-dysfunction-pill dispenser ZipHealth, there are few bands that people enjoy fucking to more than Deftones. That’s right—Deftones, a band so weirdly random it’s impossible to come up with a good joke for them. Songs like “Around the Fur”, “Lhabia”, “Teenagers”, and “Pink Cellphone” are evidently vaguely suggestive enough that they’ve ranked higher on the alt-rock peter meter than Limp Bizkit’s “Nookie”, Korn’s ““Kunts!”, and Tool’s “Prison Sex”. 

Still, a more civilized mood-setting short list might start with Nine Inch Nails’ “Closer”, the Geto Boys “Gangsta of Love”, Black Flag’s “Stick It In”, Soundgarden’s “Big Dumb Sex”, 2 Live Crew’s “Me So Horny”, and Wheeler Walker Jr.’s “Eatin’ Pussy/Kickin’ Ass”. 

You want songs about fucking and blowjobs? (And by that, we’re talking about actual songs about fucking, as opposed to Big Black’s landmark Songs About Fucking.) Liz Phair has you covered with “Fuck and Run”, “H.W.C.”, and every second song on Exile in Guyville. 

Oral fixation? Cue up Missy Elliott’s “Work It” and scream along to “Go downtown and eat it like a vulture.” Marvel at Charlie XCX’s “Lip Gloss” (“Go ahead, wash your face, got it sticky like paste” for the win). 

Obsessed with plundering the servant’s entrance? Break out the K-Y and cue up John Mellancamp’s “Hurts So Good”, Natalie Imbruglia’s “Torn”, Johnny Cash’s “Ring of Fire”, and David Allan Coe’s invaluable country instructional “Fuckin’ In The Butt”.

Or spin singer Chino Moreno and Deftones. 

ZipHealth—your one-stop shopping portal for everything from erectile dysfunction pills to UTI and yeast infection remedies—surveyed 1,000 people for its study, asking for specifics about their bedroom listening habits.

The Weeknd (that’s not a typo—it’s how his name is spelled) and Kanye West took the number one and two spots. In third, the Deftones, whose idea of sexy on 2020’s Ohms started and ended with the PornHub cry for help “This Link Is Dead”. 

Approximately 47 per cent of respondents said that they regularly cued up music during sex. The survey was run in conjunction with ZipHealth analyzing Spotify playlists that included such terms as “sex,” “having sex,” “unprotected sex,” “BDSM,” “booty bandit,” “Moose Jaw window washer,” “pink elephant,” “Panamanian Petting Zoo,” “screaming seagull,” “lemon party,” “bald babymaker,” “San Francisco Steam Train,” and “tooter,” “cooter,” and “hooter.”

Also making the top 10 list of artists made for bumping uglies were Kendrick Lamar (totally acceptable), Drake (the man has a pants python Milton Berle would be jealous of), and Lana Del Rey (when your pussy tastes like Pepsi-Cola, everyone’s a fan). 

Impossibly, no one pledged allegiance to the Starland Vocal Band’s panty-removing classic “Afternoon Delight”. 

Bizarre placements including Slipknot—presumably popular with the BDSM, role-playing, and necrophilia crowd. Even weirder was the love shown for System of a Down. As indescribably great as the group is—two blue balls up for lyrics like “My cock is much bigger than yours”—can someone explain how you’re supposed to scissor, pile-drive, dry hump, or 69 to double-amphetamined freakouts like “Cigaro”, “Toxicity”, or “Violent Pornography”? Unless you fuck like an industrial paint mixer, sometimes not even amphetamines are going to help. 

The ZipHealth survey found hip-hop soundtracked sex sessions lasted an average of 31 minutes, EDM clocked in at 27 minutes, and classic punk rock, presumably, somewhere in the neighbourhood of 31 seconds to two minutes. Sometimes, like the Angry Samoans’ “You Stupid Jerk”, it’s over before it really starts.

The ultimate sex song  proved to be Nicky Minaj’s “Super Freaky Girl”, which suggests that someone out there has some taste. 

Not that it excuses everyone else for fucking, sucking, and felching to Deftones. Honestly, try not to think about it. Especially when they could be getting it on to the Meatmen's "Kisses in the Sunset".